The Best White Elephant Gifts That Get Stolen
The steal is the whole game, so rank these on it: vote up the ones you've watched change hands three times, and sink the ones nobody touched. Two things get an object in here, both checkable on the maker's own page. First, the page says what the thing does and backs it with a material, a dimension or a weight. Second, the joke has to show up in the product's own name — the plain category noun for the job doesn't qualify, however good the object is. So the pure gag with no job is out, and so is the well-made thing with a plain name. Above the line sit the ones whose joke is in the shape; below, the ones carrying it in a name or a printed design. The gate does the work; the tiers are coarse rather than a ranking, so the order inside each is yours. And a candle is not a candleholder — wax and wick sit outside this.
Horse Head Squirrel Feeder is #1 on “The Best White Elephant Gifts That Get Stolen”.
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Horse Head Squirrel Feeder
Hang it off a branch, drop a few nuts inside, and wait. Archie McPhee's page describes a “Vinyl 6-1/2" x 10" hollow horse head” that “makes it appear as if any squirrel that eats from it is wearing a Horse Mask.” The joke needs a window you can actually see the feeder from, which makes it the rare novelty object with a siting requirement — pick the window first, then the branch.
https://mcphee.com/products/horse-head-squirrel-feeder - 2
Fetch! Bottle Opener
A dog-shaped opener that keeps the cap instead of dropping it — “In the shape of a dog” is Kikkerland's own phrase. The page's line is “Pop open a beer or soda and turn your bottle cap into a frisbee!” and the parts list reads “stainless steel, beechwood, magnet” at “5,7 x 7 x 1,8 cm”. The magnet makes the trick work: the cap has to stay put long enough to flick.
https://kikkerland.com/products/fetch-bottle-opener - 3
Gracula
Behind the “vampire motif” — Ototo's own phrase for the styling — it's a garlic crusher. The page calls it a “versatile garlic rocker” that “crushes garlic and tackles ginger, nuts, herbs, and more”, listed as plastic at “2.9 x 2.9 x 3.54 in”. Countertop scale, not drawer scale. Rinse the crushing chamber while the garlic is still wet; dried, it is a nuisance to get out.
https://ototodesign.com/products/gracula-garlic-twist-crusher - 4
Legless Corkscrew
You get a corkscrew, a bottle opener and a foil cutter in one pirate. The listing says “Corkscrew and Bottle Opener in one” and describes the thing as “Designed like a peg-legged pirate with eye-patch, beard, hook hand” and a good deal more, built from “Stainless steel and matt black rubber” at “45 x 132 x 13mm”. Trim the capsule with the serrated cutter before the worm goes near the cork.
https://www.suck.uk.com/products/legless-corkscrew/ - 5
Butter Trinket Tray
Ceramic, “14 x 2 x 6 cm”, and DOIY's own words for the form are “butter-shaped trinket tray”. The page says it's “Made for your rings, keys or little things,” and the shallow well is the real design decision — deep enough that a ring won't roll out, shallow enough that you can see what's in there without digging. A nightstand object pretending to be a dairy product.
https://doiydesign.com/products/butter-trinket-tray - 6
Albert Einstein Magnetic Personality
UPG's own line does the describing, and it is accurate: “On your finger, he's a puppet; on your fridge, he's a magnet”. The page gives the size as “(Approx. 4" / 10 cm tall)” and calls the work “a detailed, original plush portrait”. Fabric over a magnet is an odd pairing — the thing stuck to your fridge is also the thing picking up whatever the door has on it.
https://philosophersguild.com/products/albert-einstein-finger-puppet - 7
Banana Romance Candleholder
Nothing subtle about the shape: Donkey's page calls it a “banana-shaped candle holder” and files it under “Creative light source”. The build is given as “Material: Ceramic (dolomite)” at “Size: approx. 8.5 x 7 x 7 cm”. That is a small base under a lit candle, so stand it on a saucer or a tile — wax that lands on ceramic this size is a fiddly clean-up.
https://donkey-products.com/en/products/banana-romance - 8
Pop Up Pencil Case Boat
There's a mechanism inside, and it does something a pencil case normally can't. Donkey Products describes “a smart pop-up mechanism” that “transforms from a compact pouch into a standing pen holder”. The boat itself is printed rather than built — the page calls it a “playful design with ship, waves and fish” — on an upper of “100% polyester canvas”, “approx. 12 x 7 x 18 cm”, “Weight: 50 g”. Empty, it's the pens that keep it upright.
https://donkey-products.com/en/products/pop-up-pencil-case-boot - 9
SINK GNOME
Half the joke is in the name, and Fred puts the rest of it in the copy: the page says the thing “has 3 hardworking layers that will help you dwarf that pile of dishes in no time.” The materials line reads “Sponge, Poly / Felt” and the size “4.7" x 3" x 1"”, small enough to perch on a sink edge. Stand it upright between washes; lying flat in a wet basin, it just stays wet.
https://www.genuinefred.com/products/sink-gnome - 10
Cat Butt Oven Mitt
Printed, not shaped — Blue Q's page describes “a bright cartoon cat design showing its rear” and that's the whole gag. The build is given as “100% cotton” and “Super-insulated” at “12.5"h x 7.5"w”, which is a working size rather than a token one. Cotton is the part that matters in a kitchen: when something boils over onto it, it goes in the wash with the tea towels.
https://www.blueq.com/products/cat-butt-oven-mitt - 11
Freudian Slips
Sigmund Freud on a sticky note is a joke that lands in about a second, and then you still have the sticky notes. UPG gives the booklet as “3 1/4" X 4 1/4"” and ships it in what the page calls a “crush-resistant cover”, which is the detail that decides whether it survives the bottom of a bag. The notes work as notes, pun aside.
https://philosophersguild.com/products/freudian-slips - 12
Ain't No Bad Joke Like A Dad Joke M-Crew Socks
Sizing matters more here than the slogan does. Blue Q states “Men's shoe size 7-12”, which is a real constraint on something meant to be handed round a room, and gives the blend as “62% combed cotton; 36% nylon; 2% spandex”. The maker's own pitch is that you could “just be a lover of jokes, or a haver of dads.”
https://www.blueq.com/products/aint-no-bad-joke-like-a-dad-joke-m-crew-socks - 13
Cheese Do Not Eat Bar Soap
What you're really handing over is a scent joke. Whiskey River Soap Co. lists a “Net weight: Approximately 6 oz.”, calls the bar “100% vegan” and “Mild Cheese Scented”, and adds that because all of their soaps are handmade, “no two bars are identical.” Their own copy opens “Looks aged. Smells amazing. Won't melt on your nachos.” A draining dish, then, not a flat tray.
https://www.whiskeyriversoap.com/products/cheese-do-not-eat-bar-soap
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